Saturday, May 06, 2006

Retail Fantasies

Do chiseling customers pestering us for discounts realize they are telling us they think we don't deserve our paychecks? If they did realize it, would it change their behavior?

Years of dealing with pushy bargain hunters has inspired a couple of formats for sales we could hold.

How about the Cup of Phlegm Sale? Drink this eight-ounce cup of phlegm and you can have all your purchases at 70% off for that visit. If you want to play again on a subsequent visit, be ready to down another eight ounces.

No vomiting on the premises. Do that and pay full price plus a penalty and pull your own mop duty.

Here's one I'd like to actually try: The No Questions Asked Sale. You think the shop staff doesn't add any value to the product? Fine. Come in, locate and select your merchandise all by yourself, take it to the register and pay half the ticketed price. For every question you ask, add 15% to that discounted price. If you have to ask three or more questions, give up and admit that you need us and pay what we were asking in the first place.

Neither approach screens out the people who just drag us through the mud for an hour or so and then go buy on line.

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